My dad always told me you only become aware of your own mortality later on in life. Even at the age I am now, I know that we all die; but according to my dad, I, and everybody else my age, can still not be fully aware of it. I know there is definitely a difference between the way I perceived life five years ago and the way I perceive it now... Back then, I was terrified of the Grim Reaper, I was worried I wouldn't live out my full life, that I would die in some sort of accident... and I was of course also scared for my friends and family. Sometimes these thoughts would go round and round my head and I would be shaking and sweating in my bed with the covers pulled over my head, unable to sleep.
But also, subconsciously, like every other kid, I thought that accidents, murders, fires, diseases etc, only happened to other people. I was convinced that my family would never be hit by any of those tragic incidents: so I worried, but I also thought I was just being silly. I had never known any family member to die.
More recently, a couple of my family members have passed away, some of them people of whom I have no recollection, some of them who I knew but saw rarely. Not that not knowing them, or not having much affinity with them, makes it less sad, it just isn't anywhere near as heartbreaking as the death of a close relative.
I found out about two years ago, that my grandad had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. When you don't know anyone who has this disease, you tend to make fun of it, as Alzheimer's is assimilated with memory loss. When somebody you are close to has it, it is heart-rending to witness the slow, malevolent deterioration of the person; of a person who used to be so healthy, of a person you love. I will not go into details about this, nor about the other health problems that my relatives may have, as they are private family matters, and would make me sound like I am moaning for the sake of it and looking for pity and sympathy, which I am most certainly not, as I know that nearly everybody is familiar with these things, and a lot of people go through much, much worse. It would be pointless to enumerate them.
About an hour ago, I spoke to a friend, who told me about one of his friends, a 16-year-old boy, who sadly passed away a few weeks ago. He didn't have health problems, one day he just didn't wake up. It is called Sudden Death Syndrome, and is extremely rare, but it can happen to anyone for no specific reason. Although I had never met him, I was so shocked that I was speechless, and an unexpected flood of tears expressed my emotion at this terrible news.
And these things, I think, are what make you become aware that everybody is going to die, sooner or later. No-one knows when or how, but it happens. There's no escaping it. And gruesome and depressing as it may sound, it's the truth, to be accepted or not. Primo Levi said that no man can ever be perfectly happy, as he knows he is going to die someday, but on the contrary, no man can ever be perfectly unhappy, because of hope, and the gratefulness of each day he has on this earth.
Therefore I would like to conclude this text by saying something you have all heard before: you must make the most of every day you're given. You never know when the Grim Reaper will strike, and then it will be too late. Bickering over stupid things – what's the point? The person you argued with could be gone tomorrow. And procrastination – why always put things off, and often never end up doing it? You'll regret it someday. Just go for it.
This text isn't me taking the moral high ground, (I am full of faults, and procrastination is one of my biggest, but of course, I wish it wasn't).
It is just my (current) reflection on life and death.
[written on 25th March, approx. 1.00 AM]
